


boy, im just a loser for your love.

by yuckk



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Self-Discovery, i say it in the notes but there r so many metaphors PLS, im sorry i wrote this, like a lot lol, ok enjoy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:06:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28112853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuckk/pseuds/yuckk
Summary: He shouldn't even have to ask himself.
Relationships: Josh Dun/Tyler Joseph
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	boy, im just a loser for your love.

**Author's Note:**

> this is? a? i dont know what this is i woke up at 1am yesterday, wrote this and just finished it today
> 
> also theres like ... a LOT of metaphors i really overdid it lol sorry
> 
> try enjoy ok bye

ㅤ 

Tyler:  
pleae s come roubd, jodh 

i nede you johs 

pleease

.

He can't keep on fucking doing this. He can't. He's more than just a body, more than a quick fuck for Tyler to drain dry whenever he's in the mood, and Josh has genuinely had enough. Enough, enough, e-fucking- _nough_. 

He stares at his lit phone screen, lets his joint hang loosely, clinging onto his lips like it's a lifeline, much like Josh did -- does, _whatever_ \-- with Tyler. If he thinks about it hard enough, he feels like a joint. Just there for someone to slowly burn, only thinking about their own pleasure as they inhale, dragging it out, chipping away at Josh's soul painfully slow. And then they exhale, don't think twice about throwing away that part of him. Know there's still more to destroy, and he aches. He aches so fucking badly it's almost laughable, because he should have the strength to walk away. To say _no_ and simply fuck off, but much like a joint, he's not there for himself. 

His phone turns off and the screen becomes a harsh mirror Josh is stuck looking into, too exhausted to even think about moving, and the tears that prick his eyes sting so badly he lets them fall for once. Lets himself have this -- this self-pity, as he now calls it. Used to think crying was a good thing, let you get it all out in a healthy way, but now he just feels pathetic. Has new coping mechanisms that aren't considered _weak_. And they're so much worse, so much more harmful, but they do a better job. Make him numb and dazed, just like he should be, in a state of calm that makes him soft and pliant, easier to be used, _just like he should be_. That doesn't mean everything is sugary-sweet, though. It's always bitter, leaves a tang in his mouth that's only gotten rid of when Tyler's lips are on his -- his part-time cure, so close yet so incredibly impossible to reach, and Josh is starting to get more and more fed up of it all as the days continue to drag by. As he continues to let himself be dragged along with them. 

Simply figuring out his own emotions seems like the hardest thing to do, like when he's watching an unsolved crime document and trying to get the rusted cogs in his brain to work, trying to figure out who did it or spot his own clues and patterns in the case. But he never can, and all it does is leave him frustrated with himself. It's a tiring process and people constantly tell him to just _let loose_ , to do what feels right and _go with the flow_. But the flow is more like a river caught up in the middle of a storm, waves crashing everything in their path, and Josh doesn't know how to swim back to the safety of land. He's trapped in a constant state of bad weather and he's beginning to believe that there's truly no escape. That his rainy sky will never clear up. 

But there's always, _always_ Tyler. 

He can always go back to him, because whilst Josh convinces himself all the late nights when Tyler's drunk and not thinking right are just hidden feelings coming out at a bad time, deep down he knows that's not the case. That that can and _will_ never be the case. He walked into this chapter of his life with an open heart, unsure of what to expect, and someone squeezed it shut, never let go, got their claws digging deeply into it. So deeply he felt -- _feels_ \-- like the only choice left was to keep them there and adjust to that unbearable pain, for taking them out would be so much more harsh that staying stuck in this suffering seems like the best option. The _logical_ option. Josh laughs at himself. Fucking pathetic. 

He thinks the memories from the start of it all are what keep him trapped here with a head full of false hope. The silent hope that it'll go back to that. Back to the sickeningly sweet manipulation he's believed is real for too long, gotten too used to. So dangerously familiar with it that Josh doesn't know how to let go of it, because this twisted mess of so-called _affection_ is honestly all he knows. It's his only idea of love and abandoning it seems like one of the scariest things he could ever do. Even _thinking_ of letting go of this wonky crutch that he's used for support for years on end and finally becoming indepedent sends him into a spiral. Sets off his anxiety and makes him a danger to himself. Like everything around him isn't already a danger. He chuckles bitterly. 

But when he really thinks about it, he doesn't want to have to live his life with something that weighs him down, because who would? The only difference is he's running out of time, the crutch old and delicate, meaning it could snap at any moment, bring Josh down with it. He'd rather risk the possibly of that then keep it around, though, because it's starting to feel less like a hand to hold and more like a grip around his neck. A leash. Yeah, a leash. He can't keep letting himself be pulled along like a dog on a chain, harsh edges cutting into his neck, altering his breathing and making him beg. Beg for some sort of release. Scratch at the metal until someone -- Tyler -- finally loosens it, frees him from this bittersweet hell he's trapped in. 

Instead of letting him go, though, Tyler takes his mind off of the excrutiating pain for a few blissful hours, hours that start deep into the night, bleed into the early morning. _The only time we get alone_ , Tyler whispers, as if this is actually for them and not just himself. Not just a haze in time that he doesn't have to worry about someone else finding out about, taking away something so secretive to him. And Josh is so desperate for that feeling, for that relief, that he almost likes it too much to want to know how his life would be without the sharp edges that threaten him every time he breathes. He can hold his breath, sure, but only for so long, and his lungs are starting to burn more and more as time moves forward. As the chains gradually pull tighter on his throat, leaving marks that will soon be permanent, meaning he'll be reminded of this chapter every time he looks in the mirror. Does he really want that? 

_No_ , he thinks. Who would? Who could possibly yearn for someone who thinks of you as nothing more than a warm mouth? An obedient little pet they've scared into whatever this is, and Josh chokes on a sob as he scoffs. He shouldn't even have to ask himself. 

He's so done with Tyler's bullshit that he'll risk the scars that come with leaving, learn to think of them as his rewards for finally escaping the hand that weighs heavy all around his heart. 

A small smile reflects in the phone screen, and Josh takes a shaky deep breath. He's done with all this bullshit. Done with Tyler using him as his filthy secret, because Josh isn't something to be ashamed of. Neither is what they do. And he wishes, he wishes _so fucking badly_ that he could make Tyler choose between him and ratting himself out, facing the imaginary critism he's built up in his maze of a mind, but Tyler would replace him without even thinking twice about it. Take the chain and put it on someone new. Do exactly what he's done to Joshua and collect another little obedient pet, reel them in with the lies and promises he'd once whispered to Josh so sweetly. Said them when they were alone so it'd feel more special, but it was all just a fucked up act. He was naive enough for fall for them, so anyone could. 

Josh just hopes that if that happens then they'll be stronger then he ever was. Hopes with everything in him that they won't let themselves become a toy for someone so maliciously sadistic to play with whenever they please. Hopes so, _so_ dearly, --

Josh turns his phone on and starts typing out his reply.

.

Josh:  
yeah, okay. ill be there in 10

.

Hopes so dearly that they won't take Tyler away from him.

ㅤ

**Author's Note:**

> runs


End file.
